What is grief, exactly?
Grief is a natural emotional response to loss, particularly the loss of someone or something.
What might I feel?
A sudden death can shatter our sense of safety and stability. It can make the world feel unfamiliar, and it may seem like life will never return to what it once was.
Even though your loved one is no longer here physically, they still exist in your inner world. Our brains hold a lasting picture of the people we love, built from years of memories and connection. This means you can feel two things at the same time: you know your loved one is gone, yet a part of you still expects to find them.
This is a normal and human response. Your mind is simply trying to make sense of a heartbreaking change that happened far too quickly.
So, why might this happen?
Our brains work on mental maps that help us navigate the world both figuratively and literally. These mental maps tell us how to navigate through our homes, to work and other known places.
It’s like Google Maps in our heads.
These same maps are also used to keep track of our loved ones and friends. When asked about a loved one we usually know where they are likely to be and mentally picture them in that place even though we can’t physically see them there.
Grief is a difficult problem for the brain because your loved one is both here and not here.
When someone we love dies, we can understand this on a cognitive level but our brain, following the rules of the map built up over our lifetime cannot comprehend (at least for some time) that our loved one is no longer in the world.
Believing you have seen your loved one or searching for your loved one in the aftermath of the loss is not uncommon and doesn’t mean you are going mad. Our brains work on patterns of behaviour and “predict” what is going to happen based on past experience.
For example, if your loved one arrives home from work at 6 p.m. every night announcing their arrival with the sound of the key in the lock, your brain expects this to happen, and you can “hear” this happening at 6 p.m, even if your loved one is late. It is normal to hear that key in the lock after our loved one has died because it takes many repetitions of this not happening for our brain to change the mental map.
So, what can help when we are grieving?
- Surround yourself with people who care about you and make you feel safe. When help is offered, allow yourself to accept it — even in small ways.
- Give yourself permission to feel whatever arises. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Writing your thoughts down can help you process what feels overwhelming.
- You may find comfort in creating a simple ritual or memorial to honour your loved one, helping you maintain a sense of connection.
- Talk about how you’re feeling with people who will listen with compassion, rather than trying to fix or rush your grief.
- Take gentle care of yourself by eating regularly, moving your body, and keeping some elements of your usual routine where you can.
- Make space for activities that soothe or ground you, even briefly.
- If possible, avoid complex tasks or major decisions while your mind is under emotional strain.
- Support groups or professional support can also help — reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness.
For more information, find our Grief Factsheets here.
