The end of the calendar year can hold many significant events, dates, and special occasions that can stir up grief when you have lost a loved one, whether recently or long ago. Now the festive season is approaching, it’s important to plan and prepare for these occasions to protect your well-being.
While in the past, you may have looked forward to the holiday season and special occasions, the loss of a loved one can leave you feeling ambivalent or even anxious about the occasion.
There may be many positives about the occasion, such as coming together with family, supporting each other, sharing memories, and feeling comforted by rituals and traditions. However, for most people, there are also some negatives, such as loneliness, sadness and grief over your loss, memories of the road trauma, concern over living up to other’s expectations, and guilt for even participating in a celebration.
The holiday season and special occasions will probably never be quite “normal” again, but that doesn’t mean you can’t create new rituals.
As time passes, we usually learn to handle holiday periods and other special occasions with less fear and reluctance. Many grievers find that these occasions have a bittersweet feeling – happy moments mixed with painful feelings. Here are some keys to assist you to support yourself, or someone who is grieving, during these times.
1. Plan for the event
The lead-up to an anniversary or event can often feel worse than the actual day itself. Stress, anxiety, and ambivalence are very common. A way to reduce some of the stress is to consider the following and make some decisions before the day:
- What will help you cope with the day?
- What do you want to do for the day?
- Who do you want to spend the day with?
- If there is someone would like to be around who understands what you’re going through at this time, get in touch with them and ask if they will help you in this way.
- Practice some responses to people wishing you a “Merry Christmas”. You might want to keep to a simple answer such as “thank you”, “I will do my best” or “you too”, so that you don’t become overwhelmed by trying to explain how you feel.
- If there is someone would like to be around who understands what you’re going through at this time, get in touch with them and ask if they will help you in this way.
- Practice some responses to people wishing you a “Merry Christmas”. You might want to keep to a simple answer such as “thank you”, “I will do my best” or “you too”, so that you don’t become overwhelmed by trying to explain how you feel.
2. Practice self-care
Taking good care of yourself physically and emotionally is important when you are grieving. A good diet and regular exercise can reduce stress on your body. Time out to grieve and rest, away from others’ expectations, is also important.
Try not to overschedule yourself or ignore how you are feeling. Allow yourself to cry if you need to, but also do some “grounding” activities such as going for a walk in nature, visiting the beach, or simply taking some time out of a busy schedule to have a cup of tea and reflect.
Be aware your feelings may be quite intense at times, as many people find it unsettling when they feel that they have been coping quite well with their grief and suddenly begin to feel like they are not coping.
Acceptance and patience are the key to allowing these feelings to come and go. Generally, once the event or season has passed, you will find yourself returning to your normal way of feeling.
It is also possible to experience positive emotions at this time. This is okay and not disrespectful to your loved one’s memory. It is a sign of healthy grieving to be able to experience moments of happiness as well as sadness.
3. Establish a new ‘normal’
For many of us, Christmas means celebrating with traditions and rituals. You might find comfort in doing things the same way they have always been done, but don’t be afraid to alter things if you need to.
Remember that your ‘normal’ has changed, and you are trying to live in a different reality now.
If events like Christmas are too overwhelming, you might choose to ‘cancel’ them for the first year, plan a trip away, or decide to do something completely different such as volunteer at a charity event.
4. Talk about your feelings
Once you’ve decided what you will do on the day, talk about it with your family or friends. Being honest that it’s a difficult time for you, and letting them know what you need, can be helpful for everyone involved.
Friends and family often don’t know what you want, how to act around you, and what to say. They may, for example, be unsure whether or not it’s okay to talk about your loved one to you and may feel worried about upsetting you.
Also know you’re allowed to ‘change your mind’ on the day. Even the best of plans can be cancelled. Let your loved ones know how you are coping, or even that you don’t know how you will cope on the day, and that you may need to cancel at the last minute or leave early.
The best you can do is communicate your needs and expectations and do what is best for yourself and your immediate family. Try to focus on the things that you can be grateful for, or that bring you comfort, rather than the negative things you can’t change or control.
Even if the trauma occurred some time ago, it is never too late to seek help.
You can contact Road Trauma Support WA after a crash and have a confidential discussion with a trained counsellor about your experience.
While our office is closed over Christmas break, our resources are available at any time. For immediate support, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
For more information or to book an appointment for the new year:
- Call: (08) 6166 7688 or 1300 004 814 (free call)
- Email: [email protected]